


Pals and Confidantes

by yeah_alright



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: American AU, Except he's Niall's brother, Gen, Golden Girls AU, Harry is Blanche, I'm so sorry Zayn but like I needed a Stan!, Liam is Rose, Louis is Sophia, Niall is Dorothy, Not his parent, OT4, basically a Golden Girls spec script, because Zayn is Stan, but not quite ot5, but with the names changed and a few 1d tidbits sprinkled in, but zayn too, my grandma would be so proud
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 16:11:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17665817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeah_alright/pseuds/yeah_alright
Summary: The Guys sit around the kitchen table sharing cheesecake and stories of bad dates.Golden Girls AU.





	Pals and Confidantes

**Author's Note:**

> I can't imagine anything bringing me a more specific joy than this particular pop culture collision. 
> 
> Dialogue is the most challenging thing for me to write, so I figured a short fic in the format of a screenplay was a perfect opportunity to work that muscle. And I couldn't think of a more comforting context for pushing myself than the collective bosom of Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia. 
> 
> So much love to my Golden Gals for your enthusiasm and encouragement, especially as I whined my way through the final 500-word cut. If any of you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, you know damn well the biggest gift would be from me. And thanks to one beautiful friend who let me use a particularly heinous date story of hers. All the love, bb.

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - EVENING (2056, Miami)

Theme music fades out.

NIALL, LIAM, and LOUIS sit around the kitchen table in their pajamas, having tea.

 

**NIALL**

I am just so irritated! When will I finally be _done_ with this man?

 

**LIAM**

What did he say on the phone?

 

**NIALL**

Some nonsense about how he has something he _has_ to talk to me about that can’t wait.

 

**LOUIS**

You know I don’t like to say “I told you so,” Niall…

 

**NIALL**

No, you _love_ it.

 

**LOUIS**

Well...I _did_ tell you. Zayn was never good enough for you. We all saw it from the start. Ma, me, even Dad. How you thought _marrying_ him was a good idea, I’ll never know.

 

**NIALL**

Yes, you’re all very bright. And I was blind.

 

**LIAM**

What’s important is you finally _did_ see the light, Niall.

 

**NIALL**

Thank you, _Liam._

 

**LOUIS**

Yeah, so what if it took 38 years!

 

**LIAM**

What does he want to talk to you about, anyway?

 

**NIALL**

Who the hell knows? With Zayn it could be anything.

 

**LOUIS**

Maybe he’s got a new toupe and wants you to tell him it looks great.

 

HARRY enters with a flourish and collapses in a chair.

 

**NIALL**

Harry! We weren’t expecting you home so early tonight.

 

**LOUIS**

We weren’t expecting you home _tonight!_

 

**HARRY**

Very funny! I wasn’t expecting to be home early either, but I got stood up, if you can believe that!

 

**LIAM**

I thought things were going well with you and that doctor.

 

**HARRY**

So did I! You think I get _this_ gorgeous for just anyone?  

 

LOUIS opens his mouth and inhales loudly.

 

**HARRY** (glaring)

Quiet, you!

 

**NIALL**

I’m sorry, Harry. I know you were excited about tonight.

 

**HARRY**

I really was! Do you know how much fun it is to _play_ doctor with a real doctor?! I practiced my delivery of “Here to take my medicine” all morning!

 

**LIAM**

So what happened? Were you waiting this whole time? You left here hours ago!

 

**LOUIS**

Find another date to take your mind off?

 

HARRY stands with a huff and walks to the fridge.

 

**HARRY**

Oh I don’t want to talk about this, I’m too upset! Do we have any cheesecake? Patrick left before dessert!

 

**LIAM**

I thought you got stood up.

 

**HARRY**

I _practically_ did. He got beeped by that stupid hospital and left me sitting at the table alone before our plates were even cleared. It was _humiliating!_

 

**NIALL**

Oh come on, Harry. That is _not_ being stood up.

 

**HARRY**

To _me_ it is! Harry Styles does _not_ get left early.

 

**LOUIS**

Especially on a third date. You’d think with all those fliers I put up around town, men would know to stay through the end.

 

**LIAM**

Harry, he _is_ an ER doctor. I’m sure he really _did_ have to go to work!

 

**HARRY**

Oh phooey. Just because that silly little pager goes off, he has to leave right away? There should be a 911 for ER doctors to call for backup if they get paged to come into work while they’re out on a date with me! Talk about an _emergency!_

 

**LOUIS**

I’ll add it to the list of things I talk to my Senator about.

 

**LIAM**

Wow, Louis, you really think that’s the kind of thing Senator Grande would consider?

 

NIALL bites his fist to keep from saying anything.

LOUIS and HARRY exchange a look as LIAM stares earnestly at Louis.

 

**HARRY**

Li, would you be a lamb and get us forks?

 

LIAM stands and walks across the kitchen.

 

**HARRY** (cont’d)

And whipped cream!

 

**LIAM**

Anyway, Harry, that doesn’t seem too bad.

 

LIAM returns to the table with forks and whipped cream, which HARRY grabs out of his hand.

 

**LIAM** (cont’d)

I’ve had _much_ worse dates. Why, when I first started dating back in St. Olaf…

 

**NIALL**

Oh God, please no.

 

LIAM sits down looking hurt.

 

**HARRY**

I think what Niall _meant_ to say is just that if we’re going to talk about bad dates, maybe we don’t need to _start_ with St. Olaf.

 

LIAM crosses his arms and leans back.

NIALL looks pleadingly at Louis.

LOUIS plays dumb.

No one speaks.

 

**LIAM**

Well I don’t hear anyone else jumping in!

 

**NIALL**

Lou, I’m begging. I need time to gird myself for whatever St. Olaf story is coming.

 

**LOUIS**

Ok, alright, pussycat.

 

**HARRY**

And it has to be a worse story than _my_ night! I need cheering up!

 

**LOUIS**

Hold on to your undies, Harry...if you decided to actually wear any tonight.

 

HARRY waves Louis off but smiles.

 

**NIALL**

Come on, Lou.

 

**LOUIS**

Alright, you want heartbreak? Picture it: Pittsburgh, May 21, 2010. I’m at a Riverhounds home game, my happy place. They’re playing the Charleston Battery...

 

**NIALL**

Wait a minute! I’ve had to sit through this story before. All that happens is they lose the game!

 

**HARRY**

Louis! Who cares about a lousy soccer game? How is that _heartbreaking,_ exactly?

 

**LOUIS**

Want me to re-enact the way my friend Stan sobbed at the end? Not all heartbreak comes from people you date, Harry. Some of us have great loves beyond romantic partners.

 

**NIALL**

You know I love sports more than anyone, Louis, but we’re supposed to be making Harry feel better about his  _date._

 

**LOUIS**

Well excuse me if I never cared enough in my youth about any so-called dates to get upset about a bad one. What was I going to do, shed a tear over Eleanor? Stomp my feet over Danielle? Please. They were just filling time between soccer seasons.

 

**HARRY**

If only we _all_ had that breezy attitude about our...lesser beaus and belles.

 

**NIALL**

I’d settle for having gotten to that level of enlightenment inside of three decades...

 

**LIAM**

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Niall.

 

**HARRY**

For all of Zayn’s faults, he _was_ easy on the eyes in his younger years. Lord knows I’ve held on to suitors longer than I should just because they got my engine going.

 

**LIAM**

Back in St. Olaf, I would have loved to have had that problem. I could barely get through a _first_ date!

 

**NIALL**

Alright, Liam. Fair’s fair. Go ahead.

 

**LIAM**

It was the strangest thing! They’d all just get up in the middle of a conversation! And always around the same time.

 

**HARRY**

Darling, what on earth did you say to make every date leave in the middle of talking?

 

**LIAM**

Well you know I never have more than one drink a night.

 

**NIALL**

Yeah…

 

**HARRY**

Sure.

 

**LOUIS**

Never noticed.

 

**LIAM**

But I’ve never told you why.

 

**HARRY**

Well, honey, I think we all just assumed you don’t like to get drunk.

 

**LIAM**

Oh no, I _love_ it. It’s so nice to be able to really turn your brain off, you know?

 

NIALL claps his hand over Louis’ mouth before he can say anything.

HARRY pulls in his lips to prevent laughing.

 

**NIALL** and **HARRY** (in unison)

Mmmm hmmm.

 

**LIAM**

But it’s been _years_ since I’ve allowed myself. Not since my kidney grew back…

 

HARRY pauses a bite of cheesecake an inch from his open mouth. 

NIALL nearly drops the whipped cream.

LOUIS shakes his head.

They ALL stare at Liam.

**HARRY**

Since...since your kidney _grew...back_ , did you say?

 

NIALL unsuccessfully tries to stifle a snicker. LOUIS doesn’t bother trying to hide his.

 

**LIAM**

See this is _exactly_ why I stopped explaining my One Drink rule to dates! Nobody ever believed me! They’d just push and push and when I refused to agree I was lying, they’d storm off!

 

**HARRY**

It’s not that we don’t _believe_ you…

 

**NIALL**

No, of course not, we know you’re not a liar, Liam…

 

**LOUIS**

We definitely believe _you_ think that’s what happened.

 

**LIAM**

It was always so upsetting when they’d leave. I was just trying to tell them about myself!

 

**HARRY**

At least you didn’t waste time on people who weren’t right for you.

 

**NIALL**

Consider yourself lucky. It’s much worse when you’re stuck with a date for far too long.

 

**LOUIS**

Uh oh, is this going where I think?

 

NIALL sighs.

 

**HARRY**

This sounds juicy. Spill!

 

**NIALL**

It’s too embarrassing.

 

**LIAM**

Come on, Niall. It’s just us.

 

**NIALL**

I just can’t.

 

**LOUIS**

Oh for _God’s_ sake, Niall! If you don’t tell it, I will.

 

**HARRY**

Come on, honey. We’re _all_ sharing bad dates.

 

**NIALL**

Oh, fine!

 

NIALL adds whipped cream to his cheesecake.

 

**NIALL** (cont’d)

It was back in high school. Senior prom. My best friend Hailee and I had always talked about just going together for fun. But for some reason we were in a fight – who remembers why – so I wasn’t even going to go.

 

**HARRY**

Oh, but prom is _magical!_ You can’t skip it!

 

**NIALL**

That’s what my friend Michael thought. He _insisted_ I go. And he had a date, so I suppose to try to make it less awkward, he forced his date to bring someone for me. So I ended up with someone I’d never met before who barely talked to me, refused to dance. Michael was occupied with _his_ date. It was all _so_ awkward.

 

**HARRY**

Oh honey. And now you have a stranger in all your prom pictures!

 

**LOUIS**

Well…

 

**LIAM**

How disappointing.

 

**NIALL**

It gets worse. For some reason, a big group went to _my_ house after.

 

**LIAM**

Well that sounds fun!

 

**NIALL**

It might have been if Michael didn’t ditch it altogether, leaving me to entertain _his_ date _and_ mine – both practically strangers – in my parents’ basement! It was a _complete_ disaster.

 

**HARRY**

Oh, Niall, it sounds just awful.

 

**LIAM**

I’m so sorry, Niall. What a mess.

 

**LOUIS**

I still can’t believe Michael did that to you.

 

**NIALL**

Which part? Pressuring me into prom and saddling me with a stranger? Or ditching us all at my house?

 

**HARRY**

It’s _all_ absolutely unacceptable!

 

**NIALL**

We didn’t stay friends much longer. And I’ve mostly forgotten about him. Sometimes I can almost convince myself he was imaginary.

 

**LIAM**

I don’t blame you! Who needs friends like that?

 

**HARRY**

And I can’t believe your terrible date came to the after-party and actually stayed!

 

**LOUIS**

I’ll say…

 

NIALL glowers at Louis.

 

**LIAM**

What do you mean, Louis?

 

**HARRY**

You’ve got something, Lou. Dish!

 

LOUIS looks at Niall, eyebrows raised.

 

**NIALL** (throwing his hands up)

Oh, go ahead! What difference does it make at this point?

 

**LOUIS**

It was _ZAYN!_

 

HARRY and LIAM gasp.

NIALL drops his head into his hands.

 

**HARRY**

Oh, Niall…

 

HARRY reaches over and grabs Niall’s hand.

LIAM places his hand on top of Harry’s.

LOUIS places his at the top of the pile.

 

**LOUIS**

There, there, pussy cat. It’s all in the past.

 

The doorbell rings.

 

**HARRY**

Speak of the devil.

 

**LIAM** (confused)

I thought we were talking about Zayn…

 

NIALL eyeballs Liam with disbelief as he stands and exits the kitchen.

 

**LOUIS** (to Liam)

You boxed in middle school, right?

 

**LIAM**

I did, yeah! Why?

 

**LOUIS**

Take a lot of hits to the head?

 

HARRY pats Liam’s hand as LIAM looks confused.

ZAYN and NIALL enter the kitchen together.

 

**NIALL**

So _what_ was so important that you had to talk to me _tonight,_ Zayn?  

 

**ZAYN**

Ooh is that cheesecake?

 

**HARRY**

Zayn Malik, don’t you dare! Every bite is spoken for!

 

**LOUIS**

Yeah, Harry needs the calories to help fill out his clothes better so his dates stop ditching him.

 

**LIAM**

Louis, don’t be mean. It’s not Harry’s fault his date had to go into work!

 

**H** **ARRY**

Thank you, Liam!

 

**LIAM** (earnestly)

I bet his date couldn’t even _see_ how much extra room there is in the crotch of those pants!

 

**HARRY** (bitingly)

_Thank_ you, _Liam._

 

LIAM nods reassuringly at Harry.

 

**NIALL**

Zayn, you’re not getting any cheesecake. Just spit it out. What do you want?

 

**ZAYN**

Well it’s a little delicate. Could we talk in private?

 

**HARRY** and **LOUIS** (in unison)

No.

 

**LIAM** (a second behind)

Yeah! I mean, no!

 

**ZAYN**

Come on, babe.

 

**NIALL**

Zayn, anything you have to say, you can say right here.

 

**ZAYN**

Fine, have it your way. So, remember Gigi?

 

**NIALL**

The woman you cheated on me with off and on throughout our 38-year marriage? Rings a bell.

 

**ZAYN**

Right, good, well anyway. We’ve recently gotten back in touch…

 

**NIALL**

Oh how wonderful for you. Well, thanks for letting me know.

 

NIALL moves toward Zayn to usher him out.

 

**ZAYN**

Wait! I still haven’t gotten to what I wanted to ask you!

 

**LOUIS**

Hurry it up, Zayn! I lose my appetite when you’re around and my cheesecake’s getting warm.

 

**LIAM**

Oooh, I think we have some ice cream!

 

LIAM stands and walks to the freezer.  

 

**ZAYN**

Ice cream?!

 

**HARRY, NIALL,** and **LOUIS** (in unison)

NO!

 

ZAYN flinches.

 

**NIALL**

Zayn, get to the point already!

 

**ZAYN**

Alright alright. So, Gigi and I have been talking. And we’ve decided to give it another try!

 

**NIALL**

And I need to know this _why?_

 

**ZAYN**

Well she’s still living in Los Angeles…

 

**HARRY**

Oh how wonderful, so you’ll be moving across the country, then?

 

**NIALL** (perking up)

How can I help? You need money for a plane ticket? Let me grab my checkbook.

 

**ZAYN**

Niall, doll, you’re the best, but no. I’m not moving.

 

NIALL slumps.

 

**HARRY**

Honey, are you sure you don’t want to move to L.A.? Think of how much better your hair would do without all this humidity.

 

**LOUIS**

What’s left of it, anyway.

 

**LIAM**

And I hear L.A.’s botanical garden has a wonderful new exhibit of the most exotic lilies in the world: stargazers and trumpet lilies and asiatic...

 

**HARRY**

Oh, you and Gigi would _love_ that, if memory serves.

 

HARRY winks at Niall.

 

**ZAYN**

You’re all sweethearts! But Gigi has her heart set on moving here. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, Niall.

 

**NIALL** (suspiciously)

What about it?

 

**ZAYN**

Well, you know how small my apartment is…

 

**NIALL**

And ugly, yes, go on.

 

**ZAYN**

And you know how crazy the Miami housing market is…

 

**NIALL**

Mmm hmm...

 

**ZAYN**

And you all have this nice big house…

 

**NIALL**

Zayn...

 

**ZAYN**

So, I was hoping...that is, I was wondering...if maybe...if you all wouldn’t mind...maybe...maybe she could stay here. Just until we find a place!

 

**HARRY**

Zayn, surely you’re not serious.

 

**LOUIS**

You’ve got _some_ nerve, deadbeat.

 

**NIALL**

Now now, guys. Take it easy.

 

**LIAM**

Niall! You’re not actually considering this!

 

**NIALL**

Zayn, you know what, I think we _are_ done with the cheesecake. Would you like some?

 

**ZAYN**

I’d love some, Niall, thank you!

 

**HARRY**

Niall!

 

NIALL holds his hand up to Harry. He picks up the cheesecake from the table and walks over to Zayn.

NIALL smiles sweetly and slams the cake into Zayn’s face.

ZAYN stands stunned.

LOUIS bursts out laughing.

HARRY moves his hand over his mouth to stifle laughter.

LIAM looks around, not sure what to do, then grabs something from the table and stands.

 

**LIAM**

Whipped cream, Zayn?

 

Cue theme music.

FADE OUT.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for being friends! 
> 
> Tumblr post is [here](http://uhohmorshedios.tumblr.com/post/183174379195) if you're inclined to share. <3


End file.
